Ladies and Gentleman, Bigfoot is . . . dead.
Earlier this week, a team of elite, black-ops commandos encountered Bigfoot in Fairmount Park, over by the golf course. He was not in Eugene, Oregon or the Pacific Northwest, where we thought he would be, but rather camped out, nearly in plain sight, in the woods next to the fairway on Hole 3, adjacent to the bicycle path. During the course of the encounter, Bigfoot was shot and is now dead.
We took a sample of Bigfoot’s wool, and sent it to our elite lab in Kansas City, whereby DNA confirmed that it was unquestionably Bigfoot that was shot and now dead.
During the encounter, the commandos retrieved a handful of floppy disks and some pinecones, on which it is believed that vital data will be retrieved. They also commandeered Bigfoot’s body, which was later taken to the Schuylkill River and dumped in the water at an undisclosed location. Care was taken to ensure that Bigfoot was placed into the water with his feet pointed toward Mt. Saint Helen’s, in order to avoid offending the beliefs shared by others who believed in the same things as Bigfoot.
Though literally thousands of hours of video footage were recorded during the encounter, the river dumping, and during the months of surveillance that preceded and led up to Bigfoot’s ultimate demise, we are not releasing any of this footage to the public, as there is not a single frame showing Bigfoot that could be in any way considered less than unspeakable and gruesome. Any such footage may just upset Bigfoot’s crazy-ass believers, who in turn may run amuck, depleting our grocery stores of vital tinfoil reserves. Bigfoot is dead. We killed him. We do not want to offend anyone. We trust that they will take us for our word, that we did in fact shoot Bigfoot in the head.
So, in conclusion, Bigfoot is dead. God bless America . . . . Screw Bigfoot.
